The Pressure Cooker

 

 

It’s summer movie time!! Everyone is rushing to the theatres to see the latest cinema adventure to hit the screens.  Popcorn, chicken fingers and soda flows with freedom that belies the actual price of the refreshments. The movie has stopped rolling, and it’s time to exit the theatre and head home.  Typically I make it a point not to drink much, to avoid having to go during the movie.  Tonite however I indulged a lil and while I didn't have to go during the movie, I definitely felt that surge on my bladder as I began to walk down the aisle.  Time to make that pit stop at the restroom, or as I like to call it "The Pressure Cooker".  As I step up ready to do my business, all of the sudden the urge is gone. Don't panic Dorian.....relax, think of water and let it flow.  No......nothings coming. Shit. Everybody is waiting.....pee gotdamn you....PEE!!!  That glimpse of a horror show is not an isolated occasion.  The mass exodus that occurs at the end of a movie is one my most hated experiences.  Not because of the ridiculous line that I have to wait in, the random strands of pubic hair that litters the urinal (that’s another blog in itself) nor is it the weird lil kid that wants to strike up a conversation. 

So what is my problem you may ask?!........performance anxiety! Yeah, I know no one is talking about this, but its high time awareness is brought to this subject to give a voice to the voiceless. Or maybe this is just cathartic therapy for me to get over this hump. I don’t know at what point in my life that this started, or even how I became aware of why I was having this problem.   

Maybe it’s just me, although I doubt it, but I hate going to the bathroom after a movie, at halftime of a sporting event or at the conclusion of one.  Once those lights come up or that buzzer sounds, it’s time for the mad dash for the restroom. Guys jockeying for position and scrambling to find a urinal. Inevitably as the first few lucky bastids find their spots, a line will spontaneously form behind that particular urinal.  It’s like an assembly line really.  The object is to keep the flow, no pun intended, of the line moving nicely and a great pace.  So as a man, you tend to prepare for when it’s your time. Some may unzip in preparation, while others are content to just gently place their hands just over the belt buckle in a starter stance.  When your number is called, you step up, drop your load and get outta there. While it’s not written anywhere in the Restroom Bible, the average man’s urinal usage shouldn’t take any longer than approximately :12secs……maybe :15secs max! That’s enough time to present, release & re-holster. Anything longer than that and your mucking up the system! 

Now any other time in my life, going to the bathroom at the movies or event is a perfectly normal procedure.  Making a pit stop before the movie starts or during play on the field I never have to think twice about. I’m relaxed, confident and ready to do my business.  It’s just something about having 30-40 people behind you waiting for the finale.  I can just feel the eyes on my back and I freeze up for some reason. It's one thing if it’s an urgent case, as of which takes no effort, but when it’s that casual release is when it gets complicated. In those cases I try clearing my mind, and focusing on the act at hand, but I’m left wanting.  Nothing will come out at all. I’ve lost count how many times this has happened to me.  I’d actually prefer to have a premature situation with woman than to have this happen. I mean, at least in the situation with a woman, I got a chance to release. As a matter of fact, a lot of times I’ve had to fake it.  No…..not fake orgasm,…stay focused! I’m talking about faking relieving myself in lieu of the pressure to get outta there. Counting to the approximated :12secs in my head, relaxed shoulder shimmy as you finish and quietly exit in shame, knowing damn well now I gotta haul azz to the nearest Burger King before I ruin my jeans. Don’t you dare judge me!....stop shaking your head! I just have a shy bladder at times. And not surprisingly enough, like all things there is a medical term for this unique affliction: Paruresis.  The definition is described as a person with paruresis finds it difficult or impossible to urinate when other people are around. Paruresis is believed to be a common type of social phobia, ranking second only to the fear of public speaking.  Symptoms include:

• The need for complete privacy when going to the toilet
• Fear of other people hearing the urine hit the toilet water
• Fear of other people smelling the urine
• Negative self-talk while trying to urinate: for example: ‘I can’t do it. I’m never going to pee. I’m such an idiot.’
• Inability to urinate in public toilets or at other people’s homes
• Inability to urinate at home when guests are present
• Inability to urinate at home if someone is waiting outside the toilet
• Feeling anxious about needing to go to the toilet
• Restricting drinks to reduce the need for urination
• Avoiding travel and social events.

While I don’t identify with a lot of these symptoms, I’m clearly on to something to here and not as strange as you probably think.  Ironically enough, I can’t seem to stop having to take breaks to bathroom as I type this……this water is going to work on me!!

 The tragedy does have a bit of a happy ending to it all, or at least a happy medium in the least.  The best way to deal with this performance anxiety is to locate and secure the stall toilets.  Often times, there is no one in there doing any real business, but the closed door provides a nice buffer from the pressure.  The overflow from the urinal waiting line usually will spill over into guys making a move for a stall. 

The genius of the stall, is that most people figure whoever is in there is taking a dump, so therefore they aren’t expecting an expeditious exit from said stall. I actually used to know a guy that used to always use the stall whenever we were out. It was the weirdest thing and we would give him so much shit for it. In retrospect now I think I know why, granted I still think he is a weirdo, but  that's because of a whole bunch of other shit he does.  Staying on topic though, in that setting, I can relax, enter my safe place and complete the journey. Stepping out with a sense of accomplishment, and giving the subtle nod to next guy to let him know…”hey, it’s alright. We don’t have to fake it anymore”.