The Pressure Cooker

 

 

It’s summer movie time!! Everyone is rushing to the theatres to see the latest cinema adventure to hit the screens.  Popcorn, chicken fingers and soda flows with freedom that belies the actual price of the refreshments. The movie has stopped rolling, and it’s time to exit the theatre and head home.  Typically I make it a point not to drink much, to avoid having to go during the movie.  Tonite however I indulged a lil and while I didn't have to go during the movie, I definitely felt that surge on my bladder as I began to walk down the aisle.  Time to make that pit stop at the restroom, or as I like to call it "The Pressure Cooker".  As I step up ready to do my business, all of the sudden the urge is gone. Don't panic Dorian.....relax, think of water and let it flow.  No......nothings coming. Shit. Everybody is waiting.....pee gotdamn you....PEE!!!  That glimpse of a horror show is not an isolated occasion.  The mass exodus that occurs at the end of a movie is one my most hated experiences.  Not because of the ridiculous line that I have to wait in, the random strands of pubic hair that litters the urinal (that’s another blog in itself) nor is it the weird lil kid that wants to strike up a conversation. 

So what is my problem you may ask?!........performance anxiety! Yeah, I know no one is talking about this, but its high time awareness is brought to this subject to give a voice to the voiceless. Or maybe this is just cathartic therapy for me to get over this hump. I don’t know at what point in my life that this started, or even how I became aware of why I was having this problem.   

Maybe it’s just me, although I doubt it, but I hate going to the bathroom after a movie, at halftime of a sporting event or at the conclusion of one.  Once those lights come up or that buzzer sounds, it’s time for the mad dash for the restroom. Guys jockeying for position and scrambling to find a urinal. Inevitably as the first few lucky bastids find their spots, a line will spontaneously form behind that particular urinal.  It’s like an assembly line really.  The object is to keep the flow, no pun intended, of the line moving nicely and a great pace.  So as a man, you tend to prepare for when it’s your time. Some may unzip in preparation, while others are content to just gently place their hands just over the belt buckle in a starter stance.  When your number is called, you step up, drop your load and get outta there. While it’s not written anywhere in the Restroom Bible, the average man’s urinal usage shouldn’t take any longer than approximately :12secs……maybe :15secs max! That’s enough time to present, release & re-holster. Anything longer than that and your mucking up the system! 

Now any other time in my life, going to the bathroom at the movies or event is a perfectly normal procedure.  Making a pit stop before the movie starts or during play on the field I never have to think twice about. I’m relaxed, confident and ready to do my business.  It’s just something about having 30-40 people behind you waiting for the finale.  I can just feel the eyes on my back and I freeze up for some reason. It's one thing if it’s an urgent case, as of which takes no effort, but when it’s that casual release is when it gets complicated. In those cases I try clearing my mind, and focusing on the act at hand, but I’m left wanting.  Nothing will come out at all. I’ve lost count how many times this has happened to me.  I’d actually prefer to have a premature situation with woman than to have this happen. I mean, at least in the situation with a woman, I got a chance to release. As a matter of fact, a lot of times I’ve had to fake it.  No…..not fake orgasm,…stay focused! I’m talking about faking relieving myself in lieu of the pressure to get outta there. Counting to the approximated :12secs in my head, relaxed shoulder shimmy as you finish and quietly exit in shame, knowing damn well now I gotta haul azz to the nearest Burger King before I ruin my jeans. Don’t you dare judge me!....stop shaking your head! I just have a shy bladder at times. And not surprisingly enough, like all things there is a medical term for this unique affliction: Paruresis.  The definition is described as a person with paruresis finds it difficult or impossible to urinate when other people are around. Paruresis is believed to be a common type of social phobia, ranking second only to the fear of public speaking.  Symptoms include:

• The need for complete privacy when going to the toilet
• Fear of other people hearing the urine hit the toilet water
• Fear of other people smelling the urine
• Negative self-talk while trying to urinate: for example: ‘I can’t do it. I’m never going to pee. I’m such an idiot.’
• Inability to urinate in public toilets or at other people’s homes
• Inability to urinate at home when guests are present
• Inability to urinate at home if someone is waiting outside the toilet
• Feeling anxious about needing to go to the toilet
• Restricting drinks to reduce the need for urination
• Avoiding travel and social events.

While I don’t identify with a lot of these symptoms, I’m clearly on to something to here and not as strange as you probably think.  Ironically enough, I can’t seem to stop having to take breaks to bathroom as I type this……this water is going to work on me!!

 The tragedy does have a bit of a happy ending to it all, or at least a happy medium in the least.  The best way to deal with this performance anxiety is to locate and secure the stall toilets.  Often times, there is no one in there doing any real business, but the closed door provides a nice buffer from the pressure.  The overflow from the urinal waiting line usually will spill over into guys making a move for a stall. 

The genius of the stall, is that most people figure whoever is in there is taking a dump, so therefore they aren’t expecting an expeditious exit from said stall. I actually used to know a guy that used to always use the stall whenever we were out. It was the weirdest thing and we would give him so much shit for it. In retrospect now I think I know why, granted I still think he is a weirdo, but  that's because of a whole bunch of other shit he does.  Staying on topic though, in that setting, I can relax, enter my safe place and complete the journey. Stepping out with a sense of accomplishment, and giving the subtle nod to next guy to let him know…”hey, it’s alright. We don’t have to fake it anymore”.      

Office Space

 So as I come in to work this morning, and begin to scroll thru my email among the usual annoyances of follow up emails, I’m greeted by the “Let’s all wish _________a happy birthday/farewell email”!  As my eyes roll to the back of my head, I know the next three inevitable things that are guaranteed to be born from this solitary correspondence.  One will be the “reply all” emails from everyone in the damn building, and then there is the planning of the office bday/farewell party & finally the taking up of a collection to bestow a gift on said employee.  Call me a grump if you want, but if it was up to me these practices would be obliterated from existence in workplace politics.  Not only are they bothersome, they are………well shit, being bothersome is enough! Let’s explore…..

 

Reply > Reply All

Why are you replying to all?! Why in the hell are you incapable of hitting that lil’ button to the left of your Outlook that clearly says “Reply”?  It’s not like the buttons are hidden or in a mad rush you can easily make the unfortunate mistake of hitting the “Reply all” button.  I’d really rather not be inundated with a million emails of everyone giving “well wishes”, “God blesses”, “good lucks” or  “take cares”.  I’m not the one leaving or having a birthday!!  Send them a personal email….just leave me out of it!  The only thing I can chalk it up to is brown nosers doing their due diligence to show the boss that they are a team player and sucking up to the power teat.  There should be an electrical shock that goes thru the keyboard whenever someone tries to hit that “reply all” button, on emails that it doesn’t call for……but knowing these mental defectives, they would still hit the button and get conditioned to the shock! 

I remember one time being in the office with one of my co-workers as she was about to hit the reply all button, so I stopped her and asked her why was she replying to all?! Her response….”I don’t know. Everybody else does it….so why not?”  I told her, “you know that’s how the Nazi’s got started, right!?”  Let’s break the cycle people…..take a stand. Just slide that mouse a smidge to the left and make the right decision…….Reply.

 

Office Playdate

Anyone that knows me will never mistake me for a social outcast or misfit,…..well maybe a misfit a lil, but that’s purely situational. I have no problems moving thru a room and interacting in a social setting. But what I do despise is forced work related social interactions.  And whenever someone is leaving the company or having a birthday, it is inevitable that we will all be meeting in the lunch room for cake, chicken & some potato salad from the local supermarket that no one is gonna touch!  Now don’t get me wrong, I have been a part of some pretty cool gatherings such as this, at the office and in the community, but overall most suck.  It’s flat, no one wants to be there

….including the guest of honor and everyone is usually trying to find something nice to say about a person they most likely hated.  I personally don’t appreciate it, because it cuts into my own lunch time.  Most times the boss likes to schedule these things at everyone’s lunch break, since that’s when everyone is typically free to attend.  And so we engage in the theatrics where everyone will feign these engaging conversations & enthusiasm.  Then if we are really lucky some idiot will not only insist that we sing happy birthday, it’s almost a given that it will get morphed into the negro spiritual Stevie Wonder version, as the white co-workers look around lost like hell, but don’t want to offend anyone by not at least clapping along. After all that nonsense is over, your left with idle conversations about work, lazy anecdotes from the supervisor, and that damn potato salad that just won’t leave. Well, I’m sorry…..this is my time to loaf, kick back and stare off into space wondering who would win in a fight between Weezie Jefferson & Florida Evans! I will happily take my slice of cake back to my office. 

 

I got $5 on it?!

Now this shit right here, son?! This shit right here?........this is my all time pet peeve about these occasions. It’s the “Gift that I didn’t agree on, asked to participate, or offer my support but am now expected to chip in for” occasion.  This is usually preluded by an email stating that either a gift is going to be purchased or has already been purchased for which you are now responsible for helping pay for.  Granted these gifts are never relatively expensive, however we are talking principles…….and besides the fact I don’t even know Cleon the damn security guy , prompts me to say fcuk this idea!  Why am I coughing up my lil bit of dividends for someone that I don’t even know or speak to on a regular basis? The simple fact that the gift is purchased completely unbeknownst to me, is not my problem, and now I’m expected to fork over $10 to cover the cost?! How the hell do you figure?  At no point did I help in selecting the gift and further more, I didn’t even ask to be included in this project.  It’s like being in a restaurant and the waiter brings you the bill from another table, with the tip amount already written in!  As a matter of fact, I think I will send out an email letting everyone know that I have decided to go to lunch and will be coming around to collect donations.  Let’s see how that goes over with the ladies…….yes, the ladies, since they are usually the main culprits. I swear they should wear ski-masks, just to stay consistent with the extortion.

Don’t get me confused, I’m not saying I haven’t or won’t chip in for a gift, but I’m not doing it unless I have specifically made a point of being involved.  Yeah…..on that, I’m not gonna be able to do it!

 

In the meantime I will just continue to purposely avoid all interactions or emails when it comes to these events, unless it suits my own needs or entertainment quotient.  So no, I don’t want to see your congratulations email for the office jerk. No, I will not give you money for a gift I didn’t agree upon for the office gold digger that won’t give me the time of day. And no, I do not want any of that potato salad that has been sitting in the lunch room since yesterday.  Email sent!

 

 

No Web Slinging For Me......

I WILL NOT WASTE MY MONEY ON THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2!!  I just can’t bring myself to do it! It’s a general principle thing, that when you smell shit………you shouldn’t step in it.  Okay, here’s the thing…..being that I am an avid and rabid comic book fan, it’s almost a given that any comic book related movie that comes out I will go see.  However, there have been four isolated moments when I just absolutely refused to bother wasting my money on what I felt was going to be a shit fest of a movie: Ghost Rider, Elektra, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance & Green Lantern.  All of the aforementioned movies I eventually saw via bootleg copies or catching it on cable.  And now I am adding The Amazing Spiderman 2 to that list. 

It’s not big secret I’m not the biggest Spiderman fan…….anymore! At one point in my life, Spidey was still one of my fav’rit characters.  The run in Spectacular, Amazing & the flagship Spiderman titles were some of my fondest memories, but over the years in the books he just became an annoyance to me. While the other heroes were allowed to grow and develop, I still felt like I was watching a 30yr old teenager leaping around New York in his play clothes. My faith was restored when they developed some stories that showed Peter growing up some and being a bit more interesting as a character, then they wiped that away with some cockamamie reality warping story and took it right back to the wackiness.   So I stopped reading.  Now before you go yelling “bias!”, let me say that while I had lost favor with the books, I did enjoy the Sam Raimi movies to a degree.  The first Spiderman was decent enough, but Spiderman 2 was that dope for real! No two ways about it.  Spiderman 3 suffered from being overstuffed with characters and camp that all but sucked the life out of the thriving franchise…….time for a reboot: Enter The Amazing Spiderman.

They did away with the director, brought in an entirely new creative team and cast.  From the outset this was going to be an updated Spiderman for the new generation.  They stressed a darker and serious tone, but with still moments of banter and fun you expect from the wall crawler.  I begrudgingly went and saw The Amazing Spiderman on opening weekend.  I wasn’t blown to the back of the theatre but it was a refreshing take, and Andrew Garfield offered a great performance that outshined Toby McGuire in the previous movies.  I still wasn’t a fan, but I was curious to see what they would in the next movie. 

 Looking at the cast, it should be a no miss! You have Andrew Garfield, Sally Fields & Emma Stone all returning, then your adding Paul Giamatti, Jamie Foxx & newcomer Dane Dehaan.  Giamattie and Foxx are Academy award level actors. Dehaan is slowly carving a nice resume of work that only hints at his true level of talent.  While the script seemed bloated, much like Spiderman 3, you can’t go wrong recruiting talent, and I hoped that they would avoid the failures of that movie.  Dare I say, I was actually excited for the movie!!  Then the reviews began to come in……sigh. 

Well that doesn’t seem to be a case based on not only critic reviews and fan reactions. Granted, I never put too much stock into critics’ opinions, but I do like to get a feel for what they are saying about a movie.  There are a few critics in particular whose opinions I respect to the utmost, and even they confirmed my worse fear that the movie was overstuffed, unfocused and disappointing.  Not an overall shitfest, but clearly not reaching its potential or being as good as you would think it should be.  Even longtime friends that are unabashed Spiderman fans (comic & non-comic readers), returned to me with reports of being underwhelmed or not even sure about how they felt about the movie.  Like, how the hell you just spend $30 on Imax/3D and not know how you felt about what you just watched?!  For what was supposed to be a summer blockbuster, the buzz just isn’t there.  To date right now, the movie only spent one week at the #1 spot…….hardly the return you would expect on any summer movie, let alone a Spiderman movie.  It would be nice if Sony would just let it go and allow for the rights of Spiderman to go back to Marvel, but it’s too much of a cash cow for them , that they will continue to churn out these flicks with little regard. They effectively have his ass hogtied hostage style!  After seeing Captain America: TWS, the movie going audience’s expectations are set pretty damn high and the response to Spidey is proving that his web shot a lil’ short this time around.   Hopefully Godzilla & X-Men: Days of Future Past will live up to their potential.  But I do appreciate Spidey nonetheless……he just saved me $25 on my car insurance! Good looking Webhead!!

 

Did you go see The Amazing Spiderman 2?! What was your take on it? Would you recommend it?!

Our Playoffs of Discontent

 

 

$2.5 million in fines and banned for life from the NBA!! That was the decision levied by new NBA commissioner Adam Silver, against the L.A.Clippers owner Donald Sterling due to comments made by him during a taped conversation with his girlfriend where he requested that she not broadcast her association with “blacks” publically on her Instagram or brought “them” to his games. Even going so far as to identify Magic Johnson personally!  Now of course these comments created a firestorm of controversy & headlines while the Clippers were in the midst of a playoff run.  Players and coach Doc Rivers were bombarded with questions about what they thought about the comments or what their response would be. Current and ex-NBA players all chimed in on Donald Sterling and in some cases what had been a long history of racial discrimination. Bomani Jones, a sports reporter, had one the most entertaining but informative takes on the Donald Sterling controversy.  It was not lost on anyone that if the NBA did not respond in a favorable manner that the 2014 NBA Playoffs could possibly witness its first boycott.  Commissioner Silver’s verdict on the situation had to be swift and substantial.  But while we waited…..the question was: What will NBA players do to protest?!

 In the first days when the news broke, there were rumblings in the Clipper locker room about how to respond to the comments. There was talk of wearing black socks & arm bands, turning warm-ups inside out before the game, or even potentially not playing the game at all.  Everyone had their opinion of what the Clippers should do. From Joe Public on the street to ex- NBA players and current players…..many of whom voiced that they should sit out the remainder of the playoffs.

The team would eventually settle on not only wearing the black socks & armbands, but also a very public display of piling their warm up jerseys on the floor before the start of the game.  A few other NBA teams in a show of support followed suit prior to tip off of their games for the night, as well.  I personally feel that they made the right decision, and while I admit it would’ve been hard for me to play that night, as a unit I would want to be there for my teammates. While Sterling’s comments were ignorant and obscene, looking at it from the players and fans perspective, the Clipper team is bigger than Sterling.  They aren’t going out there for the love of Sterling, but rather for themselves but also the fans that support them. There is a certain bond between the fans and players that goes well beyond any owner. 

The Clippers had their first home game after the controversy, and all the signs in the stands expressed things like “We Are One” or “Hate will not win”, that coupled with the players’ own demonstration showed that Sterling had been cast out in everyone eyes, and he would find no support from the fans or even the team that he owns.  Yeah, he still owns the team for now (the NBA will be looking to filing an injunction to have Sterling sell his ownership of the team), but there is a lot to be said when you aren’t even welcome in

your own “home” anymore. 

 Since the verdict has come down, people still are having their opinions about what the players should’ve done.  You have a million cyber-militants spouting empty rhetoric about all NBA players should boycott the rest of the season and others saying that we need to have our own league etc. What these people fail to understand is that not only will the revolution not be televised, but it won’t come with an instruction manual either. Unfortunately some black people are looking for emotional responses as opposed to sensible. Players being labeled as slaves scared to speak out because it may impact their wallets, but yet there were many active players, including Kobe Bryant & LeBron James that spoke out and continue to speak out.  Those of us that patiently await a decision, are accused of being apathetic to the cause and only worried about the games being played.  Now, had Commissioner Silver handed out a less than favorable verdict, I could see some of the logic, but he handed out a pretty hefty, and necessary punishment, so it would be pretty damn pointless for the NBA players to sit out the rest of the season. Protest and revolution comes in all manners and forms. There is never one single response that fits all occasions or even all people. There were people that thought Martin Luther King didn’t do enough or even Malcolm X. Tommie Smith and John Carlos in the 1968 Olympics felt pressure to not participate in the games. They were criticized for choosing otherwise, but they used their dream fulfillment as a platform to bring awareness to African American rights, as well as human rights. Today, the picture of them standing on the podium with black gloved fist raised high is one of the most referenced moments in civil/human rights history. It wasn’t a loud, frantic reaction but rather it was a silent show of solidarity that continues to reverberate years beyond that day.  I wonder if these same people would tell those men that they didn’t do enough. Maybe Martin should’ve taken a swing at the cops & Malcolm firebomb congress?! 

 This indeed was a chance for NBA players to take a stand, as well as the NBA. No it wasn’t a watershed moment that ousted other closet racists or overthrew the old boy system, but it does send of message of zero tolerance when it comes to hate.  Yes, gone are the days of yesteryear where athletes were at the forefront of social change, and much more vocal. But that was at  time when the injustice was much more overt. Maybe today's athlete isn't as sheepish as some would have you believe, but rather their methods have grown to match the sophistication challenges we now face. While the stand that the players took, may not be in the manner that some feel was adequate, I challenge those same people to take a stand in their own workplace when they see injustice. Whether it be racism, sexism or ageism. What stand will you take?  Will you quit your job or will you make a stand? How will you make your voice heard? But don’t be upset when someone tells you that you’re not doing enough.

What do you think the Clippers/NBA players should've done.  Do you think they did enough? Leave your thoughts and comments below.