Office Space

 So as I come in to work this morning, and begin to scroll thru my email among the usual annoyances of follow up emails, I’m greeted by the “Let’s all wish _________a happy birthday/farewell email”!  As my eyes roll to the back of my head, I know the next three inevitable things that are guaranteed to be born from this solitary correspondence.  One will be the “reply all” emails from everyone in the damn building, and then there is the planning of the office bday/farewell party & finally the taking up of a collection to bestow a gift on said employee.  Call me a grump if you want, but if it was up to me these practices would be obliterated from existence in workplace politics.  Not only are they bothersome, they are………well shit, being bothersome is enough! Let’s explore…..

 

Reply > Reply All

Why are you replying to all?! Why in the hell are you incapable of hitting that lil’ button to the left of your Outlook that clearly says “Reply”?  It’s not like the buttons are hidden or in a mad rush you can easily make the unfortunate mistake of hitting the “Reply all” button.  I’d really rather not be inundated with a million emails of everyone giving “well wishes”, “God blesses”, “good lucks” or  “take cares”.  I’m not the one leaving or having a birthday!!  Send them a personal email….just leave me out of it!  The only thing I can chalk it up to is brown nosers doing their due diligence to show the boss that they are a team player and sucking up to the power teat.  There should be an electrical shock that goes thru the keyboard whenever someone tries to hit that “reply all” button, on emails that it doesn’t call for……but knowing these mental defectives, they would still hit the button and get conditioned to the shock! 

I remember one time being in the office with one of my co-workers as she was about to hit the reply all button, so I stopped her and asked her why was she replying to all?! Her response….”I don’t know. Everybody else does it….so why not?”  I told her, “you know that’s how the Nazi’s got started, right!?”  Let’s break the cycle people…..take a stand. Just slide that mouse a smidge to the left and make the right decision…….Reply.

 

Office Playdate

Anyone that knows me will never mistake me for a social outcast or misfit,…..well maybe a misfit a lil, but that’s purely situational. I have no problems moving thru a room and interacting in a social setting. But what I do despise is forced work related social interactions.  And whenever someone is leaving the company or having a birthday, it is inevitable that we will all be meeting in the lunch room for cake, chicken & some potato salad from the local supermarket that no one is gonna touch!  Now don’t get me wrong, I have been a part of some pretty cool gatherings such as this, at the office and in the community, but overall most suck.  It’s flat, no one wants to be there

….including the guest of honor and everyone is usually trying to find something nice to say about a person they most likely hated.  I personally don’t appreciate it, because it cuts into my own lunch time.  Most times the boss likes to schedule these things at everyone’s lunch break, since that’s when everyone is typically free to attend.  And so we engage in the theatrics where everyone will feign these engaging conversations & enthusiasm.  Then if we are really lucky some idiot will not only insist that we sing happy birthday, it’s almost a given that it will get morphed into the negro spiritual Stevie Wonder version, as the white co-workers look around lost like hell, but don’t want to offend anyone by not at least clapping along. After all that nonsense is over, your left with idle conversations about work, lazy anecdotes from the supervisor, and that damn potato salad that just won’t leave. Well, I’m sorry…..this is my time to loaf, kick back and stare off into space wondering who would win in a fight between Weezie Jefferson & Florida Evans! I will happily take my slice of cake back to my office. 

 

I got $5 on it?!

Now this shit right here, son?! This shit right here?........this is my all time pet peeve about these occasions. It’s the “Gift that I didn’t agree on, asked to participate, or offer my support but am now expected to chip in for” occasion.  This is usually preluded by an email stating that either a gift is going to be purchased or has already been purchased for which you are now responsible for helping pay for.  Granted these gifts are never relatively expensive, however we are talking principles…….and besides the fact I don’t even know Cleon the damn security guy , prompts me to say fcuk this idea!  Why am I coughing up my lil bit of dividends for someone that I don’t even know or speak to on a regular basis? The simple fact that the gift is purchased completely unbeknownst to me, is not my problem, and now I’m expected to fork over $10 to cover the cost?! How the hell do you figure?  At no point did I help in selecting the gift and further more, I didn’t even ask to be included in this project.  It’s like being in a restaurant and the waiter brings you the bill from another table, with the tip amount already written in!  As a matter of fact, I think I will send out an email letting everyone know that I have decided to go to lunch and will be coming around to collect donations.  Let’s see how that goes over with the ladies…….yes, the ladies, since they are usually the main culprits. I swear they should wear ski-masks, just to stay consistent with the extortion.

Don’t get me confused, I’m not saying I haven’t or won’t chip in for a gift, but I’m not doing it unless I have specifically made a point of being involved.  Yeah…..on that, I’m not gonna be able to do it!

 

In the meantime I will just continue to purposely avoid all interactions or emails when it comes to these events, unless it suits my own needs or entertainment quotient.  So no, I don’t want to see your congratulations email for the office jerk. No, I will not give you money for a gift I didn’t agree upon for the office gold digger that won’t give me the time of day. And no, I do not want any of that potato salad that has been sitting in the lunch room since yesterday.  Email sent!