A Question of Authenticity

I have just watched one of the dopest movie trailers I have seen in a long time.  The scale of the movie is epic, with effects that just take your breath away.  I mean, for this to be a remake (technically) of the story of the Ten Commandments, trust and believe this movie looks to  be on par with the original, if not surpass it on every level.  Exodus: Gods & Kings updates the narrative to spectacular fashion, while still managing to respect the previous incarnation……..right…..down…..to….the lack of persons of color in key or prominent roles.  I have never been accused of being a conspiracy theorist or militant, but even watching the trailer in all its magnificence, the casting is almost jarring!   Just when you think Hollywood could surprise you…….it doesn’t. 

At this point, you have probably seen countless posts on social media or the internet in regards to the obvious “Whitewashing” of the movie.  The ensuing outrage has sparked declarations of boycotting the film, as well as debates in regards to this timeless “tradition” of Hollywood. And the disappointment is not coming just from the African American community, as I have seen countless white critics and bloggers shake their heads at the absurdity of it.  Most of the commentary is centered on the idea that Tinsel Town is continuing its lies and trying to sell the history that Egyptians were white.  I’m sure that I could get into a long debate about the ethnicity of the Egyptians and historical accuracy, and I think the Egyptian culture ran the gambit of a combination of Arab & African descent respectively.  However I think that point is moot and what Hollywood is attempting to do or say, has nothing to do with perpetuating that Egyptians were white.  What I see is something far more damning.

 

The habit of whitewashing movies has been a long standing practice in Hollywood that dates back as far as its earliest inceptions.  Often times you would see white men & women with dark make up or such portraying Asians, Latins, Black or Native Americans.  Clearly these people and actors of color existed at the time, but Hollywood was steeped in racism (one could argue it still is….just not as in your face at times), so often times persons of color would not be hired or relegated to background roles.  Many point to Cleopatra portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor as one such insult, however as far as we know Cleo was of Greek descent, so that movies' portrayal could very well be accurate.   In the new movie Exodus you have Christian Bale as Moses, Sigourney Weaver as Tuya, Joel Edgerton as Ramses II & John Tuturro as Pharaoh Seti I, to name a few.  Don’t worry though; casting spared no expense locating black actors to portray an array of thieves, slaves, soldiers etc. Movies like Amistad & 12 Years a Slave, seem to have no problem finding and selecting actors that fulfill the role but can also deliver the acting chops.....and also achieve critical success. But yet, for this movie, in a position of power, black & Middle Eastern actors are low in supply? Granted it’s two different studios, times and directors but the paradigm is still prevalent.   Do you see what they are telling us, yet?

The American public is much too educated nowadays and informed for anyone to attempt to make a movie about Egypt and depict characters as white.  The advent of the internet, cable and even the re-writing of history books, one would have to be pretty arrogant to think that an intelligent adult that will be attending this movie knows better than to believe otherwise.  What I see Hollywood telling us is that “We cannot sell a movie with a black cast.” or “America is not ready to see a movie with an all/majority black cast.” As a matter of fact, that goes for Asians, Latin and other ethnicities. When most of us see a movie with a majority white cast, we don’t say, “oh that’s a white movie”….we look at the story, then actors and if it looks interesting, people will attend.  However when it’s majority black, Latin or Asian, the movie gets lumped into being a movie only for that specific community.  Hitch is one of the funniest and my favorite movies, but I always wondered had the love interest been someone like Kerry Washington and it co-starred Cedric the Entertainer instead of Kevin James, would it also too find itself being labeled another black movie?!   I find that far more insulting and presumptuous.  As a black man, I am offended and if you're white, you should be offended as well. Because you’re being told that you are not intelligent or sophisticated enough to enjoy a film unless it’s white. I am all about getting the best actor available, and as much as I don't want to see films whitewashed, I also don't believe in giving a role to someone just because they are black or whatever.  And yes, there are even times when you may have a character where there ethnicity has nothing to do with with who they are as a person......however there are instances where you do, and in those instances, with all things being equal in talent, you give the role to the appropriate ethnicity.  While doing my research, i was surprised to find out some characters that were originally not white......like the hero John Rico from Starship Troopers.  I never read the book....but in there his name was Juan Rico. Here's a link of other offenses:25 Hollywood Whitewashes

Ultimately Hollywood is a machine that thrives off money. With a movie of this magnitude, I’m sure no expense was spared, and thus the studio wants to make all that money back and then some.  But apparently they feel they can’t do that if the focus of the cast is comprised with people of color.  Now with Moses, being that he was Hebrew…his ethnicity could be a bit ambiguous.  But the other key characters are definitely not of Anglo Saxon descent.  I’m sure there are some white people that may be turned off by a majority black cast, and that’s fine. Let them stay in their archaic mindset of an all-white world.  However I do believe that there is also a contingent of audience goers and movie lovers that just want to see a great movie and have awesome experience.  Could you imagine Christian Bale and Idris Elba chewing up the screen going at one another?! In a day and time where historical accuracy is touted extensively, it seems when it comes to the actual characters, one is more apt to use artistic license to not hire actors whose ethnicity could fulfill the role, as well as serve the script in talent level.  A production like this, I'm had a demand at the highest level for authenticity, except when it comes to the characters.  It’s really a shame that I won’t be seeing Exodus, because I am a movie nut and it looks to be a triumph to behold. However, I just can’t abide something that is so courageous in scope, but not courageous in its casting.  

Struggle Beard

In recent years the beard has been making a very strong comeback among men.  Black, white, Latin Asian etc. And I’m not just talking regular beards……we are talking big, thick and lush! The 5 o’clock shadow has always been a welcomed classic, but the big beard, where it was previously synonymous with wilderness men or bikers, is now on Madison Ave. & GQ.  To be a man and without beard, your man card could be in jeopardy. Women love the bearded man nowadays.  It’s like chest hair in the 70’s but less sleazy looking.  The ladies have spoken……Beard the Fcuk Up!!

My lack  of facial follicles has been well documented most of my life. I have been a notorious baby face and have always struggled growing facial hair.  While my friends in high school were beginning to sprout there first signs of manhood, there I was with my little errant hairs that never could quite figure out how to group themselves.  If you have ever seen the movie The Fly with Jeff Goldblum (awesome movie by the way), it was kind of like that.  Just these random hairs beginning to hedge with no sense of rhyme or reason. 

I have never had much luck at trying to grow a full beard. Mostly, I have stuck with just rocking a simple 5 o’clock shadow and maybe a goatee, which would grow with no problems whatsoever.  My beard game just would never progress the way I wanted. 

At the beginning of November, at the behest of a friend of mine, I was convinced to join No Shave November as part of the campaign for Cancer awareness.  What the hell, I figured I’d just let it go wild and do its thing for the next 30 days. While I wouldn’t say I have the face of teen barely outta puberty, it wasn’t the easiest project for sure.  My goatee has never been a problem really, but it has always been my sides that have given me the most problem.  They never really could quite connect. I mean even when the “chinstrap” look was in (was it ever in?!), you couldn’t distinguish my sideburns between actual hair and a long patch of dirt.  It was usually relegated to the faintest of a sideburn that had to be cared for very delicately, lest I lose it forever. 

During my process thru November, my more follicle blessed buddies fed me all the tricks of the trade to inspire growth: Don’t brush it!  Do brush it! Don’t cut it! Cut it! Try this vitamin, try that vitamin and of course the age old wise tale, that will remained unmentioned here.....but has to do with a particular part of the woman's anatomy.(ahem) One trend that has been running rampant is the use of bigen, which is a hair dye that some guys are using to fill in those small areas of their beards to obtain a more full and crisp look.  Imma pass on that shat! I've seen one too many horror shows and one damaged freshly painted wall.   I was feeling and seeing some progress, while also receiving rave reviews on the new look.  It was probably the most hair I had grown on my face, which is saying a lot.  And even if it didn'g grow quite as lush as others, women at least appreciate the effort.  As far as I know, none of the tricks worked…….or maybe they did (reaches for brush).  But as the month neared its end, I was pretty much resolute in the fact that this was as good as it was going to get and planned to retreat back to my previous stat quo.  No sooner that I began contemplating my next haircut with the same friend; I was informed that DecemBeard was just around the corner to promote men’s health & cancer awareness.  Well…..I guess I’m a fledgling of the Beard Gang for another month! 

Action Hank dropping Beard Knowledge!

Prodigal Son

 

LeBron is going home!!  No…not back to his lush estate in Miami but back to Cleveland!  This has been one of the most watched free agency seasons in recent NBA history.  With Carmelo weighing his options in New York on the heels of the new acquisition of Phil Jackson as President of Basketball operations, Chris Bosh entertaining the Lone Star state, Kevin Love deciding on his future with the numerous suitors seeking his services, as well as a few other smaller name commodities.  None however has been watched or are bigger than LeBron James.  After a disappointing title run that critics were salivating over to discredit him as a champion and as others were attempting to write his legacy, LeBron takes back control once more by deciding to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers and begun the next chapter of his storied career thus far. 

It was four years ago that the now infamous “The Decision” was aired at the Boys & Girls Club in Cleveland, where LeBron announced that he would be taking his talents to South Beach.  The announcement was followed by televised burnings of his jersey in effigy and other destruction of LeBron memorabilia in ritualistic fashion.  T-shirts went into mass production almost immediately with the printed quote “Quitness”, which was a play on the “Witness” campaign to document LeBron’s ascension in the NBA that we all bore witness to.  What followed next was a fiery letter from Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, in which he referred to LeBron as a “coward” and denounced his status as “King”, ensuring that not only would the Cavaliers win a title before he did, but that karma would see to it that he never won a title at all. 

While one could make the argument that he has the right to leave and play wherever he wants to, it was popular opinion that the way he did it was in poor taste.  While critics already were looking for a reason to hate him even more, casual fans were a bit turned off by his actions. Upon his arrival in Miami, LeBron was entering unfamiliar territory where he was the villain, and in a poor attempt he tried to embrace it. Retreating from his more gregarious nature to become this fabricated tough guy……a suit that never quite fit.  During visiting games back to

Cleveland, he was showered with boos, signs and taunts, and this practice wasn’t limited to whenever he played against the Cavaliers.  LeBron tried using the “hate” as fuel.  Scowling at onlookers and wearing the bad guy black hat, but often times fell short. Going to the NBA Finals that year to face the Dallas Mavericks, the Heat loss and LeBron had less than a great series. It seemed that karma was doing her job.  The following season LeBron made a point in getting back to his rightful personality, and finding joy in the game once more.  This would lead the Heat to a win for the 2012 NBA Championship, and then follow that up with another in 2013.  All the while the Cleveland Cavaliers wallowed in mediocrity and obscurity. 

Flash forward to 2014 and the Miami Heat are coming off a loss in the 2014 NBA Finals to the San Antonio Spurs, the team they beat in 2013.  The Heat, dependent on a tired LeBron James, injured Dwayne Wade and an invisible Chris Bosh, were manhandled by the Spurs and again critics began to siege upon LeBron.  As free agency approached there were whispers about where LBJ could wind up: Chicago, L.A., N.Y. or Miami….again.  But in the far distance you could hear the chatter about a possible return to Cleveland.  When asked by reporters LeBron usually deflected or just refused to answer the question.  When asked about his decision in free agency, Bosh replied that he would make his decision based on what LeBron decided…..and like Bosh, we waited.

July 11^th as I’m surfing Facebook and doing my usual browsing of the latest relationship rants, new babies & why hip hop sucks posts, I see it!......LEBRON IS GOING BACK TO THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!!  Like anything on the internet, I gotta validate it before I believe it, so I head over to ESPN, then to The Bleacher Report & finally to NBA.com……and there it is on every one of them….LeBron is going home! It’s like the second coming had just been announced.  In what can only be described as a heartfelt, introspective and disarming exploration James forwarded a letter to Sports Illustrated’s website where he explains his decision to return to Cleveland.  A well written letter that I won’t make the poor attempt to summarize for sake of this blog.  It’s definitely something that should be read in its entirety.  In it LeBron acknowledges his mistakes, describes his motivations and most importantly not just what he means to Cleveland but also what Cleveland means to him.  (http://www.si.com/nba/2014/07/11/lebron-james-cleveland-cavaliers).  One can only respect his maturity and candor.  The maturity and willingness to re-enter a place that had all but disowned him as their champion, their hero……their son.   LeBron is often criticized for not being as mean or cutthroat as Jordan or Kobe, but in making this decision he is showing a courage and maturity to be forgiven and forgive that I doubt either of those guys would be able to exhibit.  A lot of people I have spoken with express how they can’t understand how LeBron could go back after how they burned his jersey or how bad the owner talked about him in the infamous letter.  First issue….the jersey burning.  Yes, there were fans that burned his jersey and hated him for The Decision, but there were also fans that still cheered him and didn’t blame him for leaving a team that was not ready to compete on a championship level.  So you can’t make a blanket assumption that all of Cleveland spat on his name. 

In regards to the letter, I think it’s one of those situations where the legend becomes the reality.  Based on the conversations I had, Dan Gilbert called LeBron everything but the N-word!!  It had been sometime since I read the letter, and honestly, while spiteful at best, it really wasn’t all that bad nor did Gilbert even come close to the realm of uttering the N-word.  Granted he was upset about not only LeBron leaving but HOW he left.  And while LeBron has every right to leave, most can agree that it was done in poor taste to an organization that for the most part treated him very well.  All in all…..there is nothing that I don’t think two grown men can’t come to terms about and move forward. 
 I personally think it’s a great decision on his part.  For him to go anywhere else, other than back to Miami or Cleveland, his image would’ve probably taken another hit, and he labeled just a gun for hire.  Granted in the world of sports that connotation is not completely alien, but it is one that is usually reserved for role players or journeyman players.  Not the face of the face of the league and all-encompassing superstar player.  And hardly the legacy for the “next great one”.   LeBron has opted to finish a journey he started all those years ago in Akron, and it will be a great story to watch unfold.  Here’s to you LeBron James…..Who says you can’t go home again?!

Beautiful Chaos

 

I love art……in all its facets.  I love the expressionism, the realism, the abstract and modern. And nothing is more beautiful than to see a great piece of artwork gracing side of the building in the city.  It’s something so ironic to have a piece of art painted on the side of the building where people live. It puts the piece on a grander scale and gives life to the building.  But one thing I have noticed in my life…….more times than not if you are in a neighborhood that has a bunch of murals, then chances are you are in a particularly less than desired area of the city. 

Straight up….stay with me on this one!! If you see a mural with MLK, Malcolm X & Harriet Tubman somewhere on a wall in a neighborhood, more than likely it’s probably a crime infested area.  More than four murals in a six block radius and you’re in the hot zone!! 

Of course I have no proof or numbers to back this up, but I bet you a pack of Newport’s, that if you pull the homicide/shooting numbers in a specific neighborhood, it will correlate perfectly with the number of murals in the area.  I think I may try to get some funding to test my theory. Granted I understand the point of the murals, to try to represent something to the people of the area and beautify the properties, but let’s be real, I’ve never seen a mural of Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt & Woody Allen in the more affluent areas. 

It really just hit me the other day while I was riding thru DC, and I was just captivated by the artistry, style and diversity of the murals that I saw. 

But then I began to just look at the areas they were in and the juxtaposition. I started visualizing all the murals in my home city of Baltimore and just where one could find these amazing pieces of work. Think about it, New York, Baltimore, D.C., Chicago, and L.A.  Some of these pieces are art gallery worthy! This is work that if it was found 1000s years from now, they would remark on the skill. It’s like a magician at work as he tries to distract you…..here, watch this art!! Pay no attention to the masked figures with the pistol robbing the Quickie Mart! I suppose the pastels & vibrant colors somehow balances out the crack vials & trash in the street.  

Yeah, I know you probably never really gave it any thought before, and I definitely don’t want to take away from the appreciation of the work.  I’m just saying,….enjoy the art but watch your azz!

No Man's Land

So, I’m going thru my morning routine as I’m getting ready for the work day, and it’s coming down to what shirt I want to wear.  A few days ago, I bought a shirt from H&M that I was quite taken with.  Nothing too fancy, but just enough style to do some things with it in the future, and today was the day that I was choosing for its debut.  As I’m putting on the shirt, its fitting my arms and shoulders just right, a quick glance in the mirror to give myself that nod like “yeah….today is gonna be a good day!!” As I begin to button the shirt, I slowly make my way up as we approach the moment of truth: The Second Button.   

The cut and fit of a shirt is very important to a man. Granted we aren’t very selective about too many things but in the realm of being a well-dressed man, this is a paramount issue. You never want the second button on your shirt to be too high or too low.  Too high and you look like your mother is sending you off for picture day or when you unbutton it your neckline and collar looks like you just got yoked up for getting caught stealing outta K-Mart (not that I know what that looks like, mind you).  A button that is too low and you are venturing into the territory of extreme man-cleavage…..now granted some man-cleavage is appreciated by the fashionable female, but even they have their limits as it ventures into creep territory.  In both instances this area is called “No Man’s Land”. 

When the button is too high and you button it, you just look like some dude name Henry that wears irregular underwear and sleeps in the mother’s basement.  It totally takes away from any attempt at looking sexy. 

Granted you may look neat but at the same time, you look sorta rigid and stiff.  On the other end, you may choose to leave it unbuttoned, but now as your collar flip flops and falls to wayside, you’re now looking disheveled and unkempt like a frat boy that hasn’t quite figured out the concept of a shirt that fits.  Either way, this is just bad for all parties involved.   

In the case of the low button, this can just go wrong on so many levels. With the right amount of chest showing, it can be sensual, cool & sexy looking and portray an air of confidence. There are some shirts that are purposely made to be worn with the second button undone, because to button it would make the shirt look like it’s pulling across your chest. 

On the other end of the spectrum however you are entering gold chain sharks tooth region with an uncomfortable amount of chest hair jabroni status. Nobody wants to look like some sleaze named Fernando that sells carpet cleaner and pornos out of his back trunk.  Unless your name is Prince or Steven Tyler, I shouldn’t be in danger of seeing your belly button.   

We can never be too sure with this subject and most men are not expert tailors that can eyeball the distance of a button on shirt to determine whether it’s a good or bad placement.  So fellas, as much as most of hate to try on clothes, this is the one time you want to extra sure about your purchase. Know the look you’re going for and try to find a brand or like brands to stick with and you will never have to worry about that Second Button!    

Cold War: Is Marvel Freezing out Fox?!

Shhhh!.......do you feel that?! A war is brewing. It’s not one that you are bound to hear coming, but rather a quiet one. Subtle warfare.  A cold war. Who knows how far it will go, but most of the time we never know how things will escalate until the battle has been joined by both factions.  No, this isn’t two nations with different ideologies seeking to expand territory or eradicate each other; this is Disney/Marvel vs. Fox Studios.  This may be the start of a long and drawn out conflict between the two juggernauts of the industry, that could have repercussions that will reverberate for years to come in how the comic book industry will license their characters to outside parties. 

 

The buzz has been in the air for some time now that there was a bit of animosity between Marvel and Fox Studios, but the buzz and rumors became louder upon the release of the newest installment of the X-men franchise with X-Men: Days of Future Past.  Now the average fan probably wouldn’t notice, but it became pretty suspicious that there seemed to be no X -Men: DOFP toys released by Marvel to coincide with what could arguably be the biggest Marvel related release thus far, and at this point the lack of merchandising from Marvel is unheard of. 

One of the “reasons” offered in the rumor mill is that Marvel didn’t want to release X-Men toys because it may interfere with the sale of merchandising for Guardians of the Galaxy , which is set to be released in August. Um….yeah, in the realm of marketing strategy what would be viable if X-Men weren’t also a Marvel Universe property. The way I look at it, you can never have too much of a good thing when it comes to merchandising and selling toys to kids.  Go take a look at the toy aisle in your local Target and you will see them littered with Avengers, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America & even Amazing Spiderman toys, thus making the absence of the X-Men seem that much more obvious. 

In addition, there is considerable inside information alluding to the possibility that Marvel will temporarily cancel the Fantastic Four books in an attempt to devalue the upcoming Fantastic Four film due to be released by Fox in 2015.  So much so, writers have been actively not using FF characters in other books in the Marvel Universe. When you think about it, you really can’t blame Marvel. I mean why should they go out of their way to promote toy tie-ins for the X-Men when Fox has made it quite clear they have no interest in releasing the property because it’s too much of a money maker for them. Fine then……you make the damn toys Fox!

You want to generate buzz for the Fantastic Four……you do the leg work and make it happen!  Fox obviously didn’t take any steps to obtain merchandising rights, leaving it to the gullible Marvel brass, but now Marvel, with the backing of Disney is playing their hand!

What’s going on you may ask?  Well, it’s quite obvious that Marvel is making it known that they want their properties back in a not so casual way.   A brief history: Back in the mid-90s Marvel was having some financial woes in the sales department. So as a way to stay afloat and generate income, they sold the rights to a few of their properties to be used in movies.  Most notably is X-Men & Fantastic Four (Fox Studios) and Spiderman (Sony).  With the selling of those properties, any and all things associated with them are owned by the respective companies, thus why Marvel cannot use the word “mutant” in their movies or mention X-Men, whereas typically all of these characters live in a shared universe and often interact, date, or fight each other at times. The one loophole they seemed to find was Quicksilver, who will not only appear in X-Men but next year’s Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron, due to fact that Quicksilver is not only a mutant; he is also historically an Avenger. (Hope I’m not losing you with the legalese). Same thing with Spiderman with Sony and all things associated with his brand such as Mary Jane, Venom, Green Goblin etc, are all not be mentioned or used by Marvel movies. However relationship between Marvel and Sony seems to be a bit more cooperative.  Marvel has a long history of beefs with Fox over the movie rights. Individually, some pieces of evidence don’t mean much. Coincidental then? Longtime Marvel contributor and Image Comics co-founder Rob Liefeld doesn’t seem to think so. Here’s a compiled quote taken from his Twitter feed:

“X-Men: Days of Future Past will match If not exceed The Amazing Spider-Man 2‘s domestic box office, meaning lots of eyeballs, but there are no toy tie-ins. The Fox shut out is real.

It’s not money that matters in this strategy, it’s the hearts and minds of kids/toy buyers, not-too-subtly communicating what’s “important.”

Captain America: The Winter Soldier and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 toys everywhere, X-Men – zippo. No promotions from toy aisles. Starve those properties. Makes X-Men [box office] comeback impressive!

You gotta understand, I love this stuff!! I love the business of comic films/brands and the unique situation Marvel has with their licenses.

My un-informed prediction: Sony will split producing/financing w/Marvel on next Spidey film and open door for inclusion in Avengers 3.”

 While Liefeld is not speaking on behalf of Marvel, per se. His opinion is coming from one that has been working in this industry for over 20yrs.  Only time will tell just where this all will lead us and if Marvel will eventually be able to obtain the rights to arguably their two biggest properties. Me personally, despite how great X-Men: DOFP was, I do relish the day they will return to the Marvel banner and we will finally get an X-Men movie proper.  As it stands right now, Fox & Marvel are at a virtual standstill…….and the cold war forges on. 

 

What's your thoughts on the Disney/Marvel vs. Fox Studios conflict? Do you think the properties should return to Marvel?.....why or why not!?

The Pressure Cooker

 

 

It’s summer movie time!! Everyone is rushing to the theatres to see the latest cinema adventure to hit the screens.  Popcorn, chicken fingers and soda flows with freedom that belies the actual price of the refreshments. The movie has stopped rolling, and it’s time to exit the theatre and head home.  Typically I make it a point not to drink much, to avoid having to go during the movie.  Tonite however I indulged a lil and while I didn't have to go during the movie, I definitely felt that surge on my bladder as I began to walk down the aisle.  Time to make that pit stop at the restroom, or as I like to call it "The Pressure Cooker".  As I step up ready to do my business, all of the sudden the urge is gone. Don't panic Dorian.....relax, think of water and let it flow.  No......nothings coming. Shit. Everybody is waiting.....pee gotdamn you....PEE!!!  That glimpse of a horror show is not an isolated occasion.  The mass exodus that occurs at the end of a movie is one my most hated experiences.  Not because of the ridiculous line that I have to wait in, the random strands of pubic hair that litters the urinal (that’s another blog in itself) nor is it the weird lil kid that wants to strike up a conversation. 

So what is my problem you may ask?!........performance anxiety! Yeah, I know no one is talking about this, but its high time awareness is brought to this subject to give a voice to the voiceless. Or maybe this is just cathartic therapy for me to get over this hump. I don’t know at what point in my life that this started, or even how I became aware of why I was having this problem.   

Maybe it’s just me, although I doubt it, but I hate going to the bathroom after a movie, at halftime of a sporting event or at the conclusion of one.  Once those lights come up or that buzzer sounds, it’s time for the mad dash for the restroom. Guys jockeying for position and scrambling to find a urinal. Inevitably as the first few lucky bastids find their spots, a line will spontaneously form behind that particular urinal.  It’s like an assembly line really.  The object is to keep the flow, no pun intended, of the line moving nicely and a great pace.  So as a man, you tend to prepare for when it’s your time. Some may unzip in preparation, while others are content to just gently place their hands just over the belt buckle in a starter stance.  When your number is called, you step up, drop your load and get outta there. While it’s not written anywhere in the Restroom Bible, the average man’s urinal usage shouldn’t take any longer than approximately :12secs……maybe :15secs max! That’s enough time to present, release & re-holster. Anything longer than that and your mucking up the system! 

Now any other time in my life, going to the bathroom at the movies or event is a perfectly normal procedure.  Making a pit stop before the movie starts or during play on the field I never have to think twice about. I’m relaxed, confident and ready to do my business.  It’s just something about having 30-40 people behind you waiting for the finale.  I can just feel the eyes on my back and I freeze up for some reason. It's one thing if it’s an urgent case, as of which takes no effort, but when it’s that casual release is when it gets complicated. In those cases I try clearing my mind, and focusing on the act at hand, but I’m left wanting.  Nothing will come out at all. I’ve lost count how many times this has happened to me.  I’d actually prefer to have a premature situation with woman than to have this happen. I mean, at least in the situation with a woman, I got a chance to release. As a matter of fact, a lot of times I’ve had to fake it.  No…..not fake orgasm,…stay focused! I’m talking about faking relieving myself in lieu of the pressure to get outta there. Counting to the approximated :12secs in my head, relaxed shoulder shimmy as you finish and quietly exit in shame, knowing damn well now I gotta haul azz to the nearest Burger King before I ruin my jeans. Don’t you dare judge me!....stop shaking your head! I just have a shy bladder at times. And not surprisingly enough, like all things there is a medical term for this unique affliction: Paruresis.  The definition is described as a person with paruresis finds it difficult or impossible to urinate when other people are around. Paruresis is believed to be a common type of social phobia, ranking second only to the fear of public speaking.  Symptoms include:

• The need for complete privacy when going to the toilet
• Fear of other people hearing the urine hit the toilet water
• Fear of other people smelling the urine
• Negative self-talk while trying to urinate: for example: ‘I can’t do it. I’m never going to pee. I’m such an idiot.’
• Inability to urinate in public toilets or at other people’s homes
• Inability to urinate at home when guests are present
• Inability to urinate at home if someone is waiting outside the toilet
• Feeling anxious about needing to go to the toilet
• Restricting drinks to reduce the need for urination
• Avoiding travel and social events.

While I don’t identify with a lot of these symptoms, I’m clearly on to something to here and not as strange as you probably think.  Ironically enough, I can’t seem to stop having to take breaks to bathroom as I type this……this water is going to work on me!!

 The tragedy does have a bit of a happy ending to it all, or at least a happy medium in the least.  The best way to deal with this performance anxiety is to locate and secure the stall toilets.  Often times, there is no one in there doing any real business, but the closed door provides a nice buffer from the pressure.  The overflow from the urinal waiting line usually will spill over into guys making a move for a stall. 

The genius of the stall, is that most people figure whoever is in there is taking a dump, so therefore they aren’t expecting an expeditious exit from said stall. I actually used to know a guy that used to always use the stall whenever we were out. It was the weirdest thing and we would give him so much shit for it. In retrospect now I think I know why, granted I still think he is a weirdo, but  that's because of a whole bunch of other shit he does.  Staying on topic though, in that setting, I can relax, enter my safe place and complete the journey. Stepping out with a sense of accomplishment, and giving the subtle nod to next guy to let him know…”hey, it’s alright. We don’t have to fake it anymore”.