Sleeping On The Razor's Edge

When it comes to relationships there are a few inevitable things that you will not be able to avoid. Arguments. Meeting her friends. What are you thinking. Stupid arguments. The toilet seat debate. And of course, what I like to call The Razors Edge.   

 

Look at this image fellas,....we have all been there.....The Razor's Edge! And those of us that have been able to survive this injustice and not crack your head on the nightstand, I identify you brave men as Blade Runners. We have lost quite a few brothers to this social imbalance, as all of us aren't as skilled in tightrope walking. Clinging on for dear life, afraid to roll over, lest you be flung in the abyss and god knows what evil awaits beneath the bed to get you in it's clutches.   You lay there  trying to maintain your balance, with one butt cheek hanging off the bed and cold  as hell because she has all the covers.  And why ladies?! Why do you put us thru this?  We submit to the rules of engagement for the most part and yet we still suffer this torture. It would be one thing if all of the bed that women take over, that they actually used during the course of their slumber, but no.......they will snuggle up under you to the cliff, while leaving room enough for another grown adult and Shitszu puppy on the other side. Its tantamount to America's expansion of the west. You know how they started off willing to stay over on their side and let the Native Americans have theirs as well, at some point they were even sharing the land evenly, then slowly but surely the colonists kept moving west, and each time the Native American got pushed farther and farther to the brink! Yeah, that's an extreme, but dammit this is an extreme situation.  The only difference is there is no reservation waiting for you on the floor. 

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Now what I would like to do right now is offer a list of stratagems for my fellow Blade Runners. For some of you this will be a refresher course and others will get some new jewels to ensure not only your safety but also your rights . 

 

 

1. The Spiderman- this one is a personal fav'rit of  mine. Unfortunately if the bed is centered you will not be able to execute this move. With the Spiderman its important to have a bed that is  parallel to a wall, and YOU have to beat her to that spot!! What the wall will give you is a safety zone as your able to use the structure of the house itself to stop her advance and keep you off the floor.

2. The Cold Shoulder- as a gentleman it is only right that you snuggle with a young woman after you have GTD(Got The Draws), but we all know the  'spoon' is the death knell that leads to inevitable Razor's Edge. So with the cold shoulder, you will want to turn your back to her. Now....before we get ahead of ourselves, you will need to serve some cuddle time, but be sure to keep it simply long enough to ensure her that she has your respect.  Any longer and your arm will fall asleep and you will be trapped. Once you  turn your back to her, she is at a disadvantage, as it is much easier for her shift you once she has accessed your midsection as opposed to ass against ass. Every now and then, you can  reach back across to maintain direct contact, to again ensure respect and appreciation.  (Special note: This maneuver is to NOT be used if your in prison...

...keep your ass to the wall!)

3. The Fetus- Imagine this as the nocturnal stiff arm. In this maneuver you will simply sleep in the standard fetal position. When she tries to make her move, she will be met with your knees in her back. Now this is usually met with her either staying put or turning to face you and sleep, so for your sake, I hope she doesn't have any breath problems.

4.Pig In A Blanket- the key here is to wrap as much of the linen under your own body and secure it with your weight. The way this works is as she keeps scooting back, and you get closer to the edge, your safety is ensured. By being wrapped in the sheet, the tucked sheet on the other side will act as an anchor and potentially keep you from falling and it will also restrict any further movement from her.

5. The Starfish- the plan here is to sleep on your back flat and spread even. Granted you may lose your arm to it being pinned under her head, but she will have no cuffing point at which to push from.

 

 

 

ADDENDUM: It is also wise to keep a survival kit and snacks near the foot of the bed in case your fall leaves you incapacitated and your unable to get help.

 

 

In conclusion, I hope that this has informative.  The war between men and women will never end, but every now and then we can grasp a moment of victory thru the despair. Stand strong my brothers........we hear your cries.